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Chapter 61

Dear Journal,
Wow it has been awhile since I have written anything in here. So much has happened since that last time I did write anything, but most of all I want to write about what happened almost a month and a half ago. The doctor said that writing down my feelings may help in the healing process so here goes. Feelings? I have had all sorts of feelings run through me since I woke up. Anger, hurt, sadness; the list could go on and on.

I feel anger towards the tabloid that wrote the article about Nick being the cause of all that happened and I also feel anger towards the people that actually believed that trash. Even though we all told Nick it wasn’t his fault, somewhere deep inside I know that he still blames himself and he may never get over it. But I hope and pray he does, he doesn’t deserve to feel guilt for something that wasn’t even his fault!

Why do I feel hurt? Still recovering from surgery and the pneumonia that I still have a slight trace of is my answer. I have my good days and my bad days. Two weeks after I woke up, Dr. Adele allowed me to leave the hospital when he was sure I was recovered enough to leave. My parents, family, friends and I all stayed in a local hotel till I felt up to traveling which just happened today, thank goodness today was one of my good days. On bad days I don’t feel like getting out of bed at all, but the good days are starting to now occur more frequently than the bad days thank goodness. Hopefully the doctor was right, I should be feeling almost back to normal in about a month’s time.

I feel sadness because of all the pain I put my family through while they waited to see if I would live or die. I also feel sadness cause I lost someone very important to me. Harry wasn’t only my brother, he was my best friend. Everyday I thank him in my prayers for his precious gift. I feel guilty that he had to die in order for me to live, I would have gladly died in place of my brother if I could have. I keep thinking that maybe if I had died that night at the concert, the accident that took his life wouldn’t have happened.

Uh oh. I’m getting a hateful look from Nick over here. Why does that kid have to be so gosh awful nosey? Doesn’t he have anything better to do than look over my shoulder as I write in my journal? I guess not *sighs playfully* He just told me something that many of us had said to him over the weeks that what happened wasn’t anyone’s fault, I guess he is right; but he better not get too used to being right! Well, I had better close out this journal entry. We are almost home now. Home the word has never sounded so good. My parents invited the rest of my bandmates to stay at our family home in Kentucky and they took them up on the invitation so we are all staying here for a few weeks and taking it easy. Got to go now. Will write more later!